Glimpses of My Testimony: Part 3

“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it”. ~Matthew 7:13-14

If I only knew how much these words would define my life.  As soon as I said yes to writing a book, this scripture literally showed up everywhere. “Fine, I got it God”! So The Narrow Path would be the title to my book. But at the time I didn’t understand the magnitude of just how narrow that path would become. It was a miracle, an absolute miracle that I had been saved from such a web of lies, but I never expected to find it in the church. Understand this…..there is a false gospel, and a different Jesus. That same new age version of Jesus exists in a growing movement known as the New Apostolic Reformation. It is a mystical miracle movement that seeks to bring back office of Apostle and prophet who receive new revelation. God’s word has merely become a side dish, instead of the main course. The NAR is rapidly growing, and will deceive many. 

“Be assured there is nothing new in theology except that which is false”~ C.H. Spurgeon

Growing up I was always attracted to the mystical. I had various supernatural experiences that led me down a very dangerous path. Fast forward to my early twenties, and I became very involved with yoga and Eastern spirituality. I thought I could just combine Jesus with my practice of yoga and mysticism. I considered myself a Christian mystic. At a certain point in my life I began questioning my spirituality, and seeking to discover who Jesus truly was. As I began to pray to God for answers I had a kundalini awakening that felt blissful at first, but quickly turned into a nightmare, and I became depressed and suicidal. This all became part of God’s plan to shine His light upon the darkness. Having the scales removed from my eyes completely dissolved my view of truth. But I knew that I must leave all behind and follow Jesus.

As I began trying out churches I found myself bored and wanting more. Eventually I felt led to attend a small church close to my house. The first time I heard the pastor preach it was powerful! He was charismatic, and such a great speaker. As time went on, I absolutely loved this church! Everyone there always showered me with such love. It was just what my soul was thirsty for. I remember the first time attending a monthly event called ‘Friday Flow’. It was a spontaneous night of worship, where people could just flow in the spirit. There would be repetitive type worship songs, and prayer to induce  a meditative type state and change the atmosphere. People there would flow in the holy Spirit and have visions and prophecy. I felt completely changed and renewed. As I sat observing and quietly praying, I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit encompass my entire being; a warm blanket of peace surrounded me. In an instant I felt my heart soften, and realized for the first time the love of the Father. That was the night I completely gave my life to Christ, and changed dramatically.

I immediately noticed huge changes in myself, and would dive into God’s word, and fast from food. I was trying desperately to get to know my savior. The Lord was with me during this time, but I had no idea how much some of these intense feelings of love would fade. This was a confusing time for me, as I was also going through intense spiritual warfare after my baptism. One thing I always seemed to notice was every time at our Friday flow meetings, and after I would experience the “presence”, I would feel very oppressed. I chalked this up to spiritual warfare, and thought the demons were mad that I was experiencing God. Currently, I’m not too sure that was the case; perhaps I was opening myself up to warfare by engaging in mystical practices. Now I did experience things that could only be from God, but I started to question the manifesting of the environment. I now understand conjuring up a presence, and getting into a trance like state is nothing more than sorcery.

My church seemed very obsessed with signs and wonders, and “experiencing” God. People would get slain in the spirit and often line up to have my pastor (who called himself Apostle), lay hands on them and prophecy. At times he would touch my forehead, and I would go on to have visions and vivid dreams. Sometimes I’d leave feeling high, others may describe this as being “drunk in the spirit”. Everyone spoke in tongues, and I wanted this gift as well. I started becoming obsessed with the gifts and being in God’s so-called presence. Often when I was prophesied over the details were surprisingly accurate, and just looking into the Apostle’s eyes had almost a hypnotic effect. As someone who had been involved in the occult most my life, I have to say the environment felt a bit like witchcraft, and I started to question the difference between psychics and prophets. Many times, at these Friday prophetic worship sessions I would wonder how  this ‘Apostle’ was able to manipulate the environment and call up the Holy Spirit at will. Was the Holy Spirit a power/force or person? If a person, does he not act because of God’s will, not man’s? These are questions I would just push to the side and ignore.

One night I went home and was trying to speak in tongues, and start babbling, when I felt a force rise within me, and I felt something else take control. This excited me, and I thought I was speaking in tongues. However, the next morning I went to open my Bible, and wham! I felt complete darkness surround me. The whole day I felt angry, irritated, bothered by lights and sound. I would sometimes go into rages, and even my son was acting up and strange all day. Later that night I was reading more about tongues, and instantly came across something that pierced my soul with the worst conviction. I knew in an instant God let evil spirits attack me, because the way I tried to conjure up tongues was very wrong. I immediately broke down in tears, and begged God for forgiveness. I was chasing the wrong things; first in new age, now in Christianity. After praying to God about all this, that very day I heard the constant Bible verse “test the spirits”. That same verse even popped on my radio station while driving home from school one day. I got the message loud and clear.

I will never forget the sudden coldness my pastor showed towards me when I asked him if we should test the spirits while trying to get a prayer language. His reaction was very telling. One experience that stood out to me was the next time we had a meeting, which was really like a “soaking” prayer meeting, I remember praying to God through it and asking him to protect me, because I no longer felt confident. Well, strangely enough, God’s “presence” did not show up that night. The pastor seemed shocked, and I felt like I did something wrong. However, God’s presence probably showed up more than I know that evening. Never-the-less, I chose to stay at this church because I made very close friendships there, and I loved the pastor and his wife. They had become like family to me; in fact, the pastor was friends with several of my own family members. I thought this was all meant to be, and this was the church I was always looking for. Being able to tangibly feel God’s presence in a mystical way was everything I searched for. How blessed I felt. Sure, I experienced some weird stuff, but I chalked it up to being somehow my own fault, or just common spiritual warfare.

Things really took a turn for me when my pastor brought his ‘spiritual fathers’ grandson in to our church. He was called a prophet, one that the Holy Spirit told to him was “one of three in all the land that he was raising up for this hour”. The first time I heard this prophet speak, and chant in tongues I was mortified. Everyone around me was almost hypnotized by the presence that entered the room. Except me. I will never forget the absolute dread, and
how literally sick to my stomach I felt. In that moment, my 6-year-old son turned to me in total fear, and said “mom, there’s something very wrong here”.  I knew God was speaking confirmation to me through the innocence of a child. It was completely overwhelming, and this “prophet” was saying things that made zero sense. He was speaking from his own imagination, and even using new age terms. After going home that night I felt strange and had tingling all over my body. I even felt hyper-sexualized. I knew then, that this was kundalini energy. I had experienced kundalini before, and I knew this was NOT the Holy Spirit. I knew in my spirit things were wrong, but just couldn’t bring myself to realize this was all a lie. I began researching who my pastor’s spiritual father was, and he was a head Apostle who sent out other men to start churches under him. He was helping finance these churches. I found videos of him comparing himself to Apostle Paul, and saying he was even better than the 12 Apostles; even teaching that Jesus was a son just like us. It was saying we can be just like Jesus. This is a lie. We are not little god’s. This is Satan’s biggest deception, and what it always comes down to; minimize God, exalt man.

I still stayed at this church for another year, because of feeling like I was experiencing God, and didn’t want to throw that away. I was writing my book about kundalini/new age to Christ and was going to include this church in my book. However, I could no longer ignore the red flags. I humbled myself before God and begged for truth. If I was going to be writing a book, that could be considered teaching, and I wanted to make sure I spoke truth always, because I would be held accountable to God for everything I spoke of him. Well, God honored that prayer, and my whole world fell apart. I was having vivid dreams of my church and seeing spirits inside, I was having nightmares again, and visions of demons (this also happened to me with kundalini). Then my kids started telling me they were hearing voices telling them to hate God. It wasn’t long before that same prophet was going to be visiting my church again. The night before he came to church, I fasted and prayed. Well that night I had a very vivid dream. In this dream the prophet was preaching, and all these people listening looked completely lost, and then I saw a spiritual power fall on people, and it was demonic. I went to see him speak the next day and then vowed I would never return to that church. He was teaching a totally new age form of spirituality, and dominionist theology. They are teaching we must usher in Christ’s return. This is no different than what occultists believe. They also believe in ushering in a false Christ, a type of spiritual evolution. Being in the occult my whole life, I was floored at the connection. The great deception Jesus warned about is coming through the church.

There is so much more I could say about this, but this is just a snippet of what I experienced, but I want you to understand that just because someone claims Jesus’s name, or talks about the Holy Spirit, does not mean they are following Jesus of the Bible. Everything must be tested by the word of God. We must become good Bereans, who were considered very noble for testing everything that came out of the Apostle’s mouth. I even had a profound spiritual fire experience while attending this church. It felt like absolute ecstasy, peace, love, and a burning all over my body. It made me feel exalted, and special. But remember who Satan is; he comes to tempt. I’m not someone who can be offered money, or fame, but I craved spiritual experience. He could have given me a mountain top experience so that I would chase this instead of God himself. It’s no different than craving after a drug. We are to walk by faith, not questing after power, and a thrill.

When I walked away from this church, it was the hardest decision I ever had to make. I suffered severe heart break, and very bad spiritual warfare. There are spiritual powers attached to these mystical movements. I felt like God was not there, and like he had turned his back on me. I started to believe that everything was a lie and sunk back into horrific depression. But this was a time of testing. Would I follow God or man? Even though I was being tormented inside, would I still follow what was in God’s word, or run to what was comfortable and made me feel good? I begged God for truth; even if it destroyed me, and that’s exactly what he was doing. Through it all I chose God. He has since healed me in ways I can never imagine. I have no doubt everything I went through was for a purpose. In the middle of writing my book, God came along and changed my story. Not only did I experience kundalini power from new age, I also found it in the church, and God has walked me through it all, to help speak His truth. My hope for anyone reading this is that you too will seek his truth within his word, and not fall for the enemy’s seduction and lies.

Experiencing all this made me question God. What was real and what wasn’t? I had all these supernatural experiences that sometimes led to panic attacks. But, I truly did change. I loved Jesus with all my heart, and much of my life did a complete 180. After months of prayer, this is how God answered me: “The LORD said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by.
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. 12After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. 13When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. (1 Kings 19:11-13)
Reading these verses struck my heart. All the crazy feelings, and even fire I experienced were loud noises to get my focus off what mattered. But the true Holy Spirit was the quiet voice. He wasn’t in the manifestations, but He was there all along, tugging at my heart, showing me the way. He truly did heal me, and He was everything the word said He would be: self-control, peace, and comfort, love and more than anything TRUTH.